


Troubled Times

by Elowen_of_mirkwood



Category: Tom Hiddleston - Fandom
Genre: F/M, Self Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-27
Updated: 2015-08-27
Packaged: 2018-04-17 11:43:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,642
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4665282
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elowen_of_mirkwood/pseuds/Elowen_of_mirkwood
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tom’s on location in the middle of nowhere for a new film and OFC struggles while he’s away.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Troubled Times

**Author's Note:**

> This is going to be a bit graphic. Description of cutting and bulimia. Kinda delves into a dark place with light at the end. Please be careful when reading this. Triggers galore!

As I raised my glass of water shakily to my lips I looked in the mirror, disturbed by my own reflection. When Tom and I met 4 years ago, I had just come back from rehab. Not THAT kind. The kind for people who struggle with eating disorders and learn to overcome them, along with other selfharm habits. Mine had been twofold. I used cut and I struggled with bulimia. Tom had been great in helping me stay on track, especially after we started dating a year ago, but the last 5 months had seen me “off the wagon”.  
It had started about 5 weeks before he left to do some filming. He was in a remote area filming, with lousy cell service, limited internet and mail slower than a snail, it had been horrendous. At first it was purging after some meals, then a meal a day, then once he was gone it was every meal. A couples weeks later the bulimia reared its ugly head. After about 5 weeks of him being gone I began cutting again. And I kept Tom blissfully unaware. I knew the next time we talked it wouldn’t be so easy to hide. My thin frame would be apparent if we did a web chat, but even over the phone with my raspy voice from all the vomiting and the way I shook from being so weak would be apparent. 3 more weeks until he was home and my mother was afraid I wouldn’t make it to tomorrow. I was in bad shape and she knew it but as I saw pictures of Tom and his newest leading lady I couldn’t help but feel as though I didn’t measure up. All I saw was fat and ugly and disgusting.  
I turned from the mirror and reached for the knife I had been using. The freshly sharpened edge bit into my flesh, drawing fresh beads of red to the surface. It was like looking at a painting for me, all of my pain etched into my skin by the blade. Hearing my front door close made me jump and the knife slipped. It cut deeper than I had intended and I felt the warm ooze of my own blood dripping down my arm. Dropping the knife to the floor, I applied pressure to the wound with my hand.  
“Sweetheart? Are you home?” Tom’s voice carried through the apartment and my heart leapt in my throat. I couldn’t let him see this! I stood to go shut the door and my vision swam. I fell to the floor in a heap, tears stinging the back of my eyes. He was going to find me now. Sure enough, I heard his long strides through the bedroom in a matter of seconds.  
“Oh darling!” He grabbed me from the floor, reaching for a towel as he sat me in his lap. Applying pressure to the wound for me with the towel Tom held me tight. My vision swam again, my eyes getting heavy. I could feel what little energy I had leaving me.  
“No! You can’t leave me like this! Stay with me my love!” Then all was black.

******************************************

When I woke I was laying on the bed, Tom sitting next to me holding my good hand. I could hear Luke and another man talking in the other room.  
“Hello beautiful.” I turned away, feeling the sting of tears in my eyes. He tilted my head up to make me look at him.  
“What happened?” I looked away again, refusing to see the worry and hurt in his eyes.  
“Isn’t it obvious?” Oh great, I thought, I’m being nasty with him for no reason other than my own guilt. I flushed red with embarrassment.  
“That’s not what I meant. What I meant is…. Bloody hell, how did it get this bad and you not tell me? Why did no one let me know something was wrong? I would have thought at least Luke would.” I felt a tear fall on my shoulder, which I knew meant he was crying.  
“I haven’t seen Luke. Actually the only person who’s seen me in any fashion is my mum.”  
“What about at work? How have you been getting food?” Then it all seemed to dawn on him.  
“You haven’t been eating, have you?” He whispered it like the words were cursed.  
“Well, technically yes. I never kept it in my body long though. I got fired about a month after you left, which only made things worse. It’s what triggered the cutting.”  
“You’ve been avoiding Luke then?”  
“And Benedict. Diana came by and I acted like I wasn’t home. I even ignored Lizzy when she called.” Lizzy was my best friend, aside from Tom, and was actually the reason we met.  
“Well now I know why they were all being so cryptic. Something was wrong but they didn’t know what. I’m glad your mother wrote to me telling me I needed to come home. God, baby. Why would you do this?”  
“It’s how I cope! I was worried about you being gone for so long, and then the pictures…. I just couldn’t handle it, ok?” I began to sob, my whole body shaking. Tom stroked my hair, pulling me into his lap, holding me tighter to him.  
“Shh. Everything’s alright now darling. I’m home and I’m going to take care of you.”

******************************************************

“Tom, we’re going to be late for your own premier if we don’t get going soon.” It’s been a year and a half since that night and even the physical scars are almost gone. We argued and struggled, but Tom was patient and persistent. I started going to therapy, Tom’s idea of course. We got a dog, an older one, and he had helped. He was my constant companion and so I was never alone when Tom had to leave. The sitting room was converted into a sort of rec-room for me, I got a personal kickboxing instructor and took up yoga. Tom hired a nutritionist to set up healthy, consistent meals for me. For the first time in my life I was happy, not just with the way I looked, but truly happy. Then 4 months ago the universe played a trick on us. I started feeling nauseous, which I paid no mind to. It was when I actually started throwing up and Tom accused me of relapsing that I finally told him of my earlier symptoms, so he insisted on taking me to the doctor. I had been told for years that with the damage I had done to my body, pregnancy probably wasn’t much of a reality. But I had started taking birth-control just to be safe. Nevertheless, the doctor happily announced that I would be back to normal in about seven and a half months, I just had to deliver our baby first. Tom and I of course had been ecstatic! And so began work on the nursery. We wanted to keep the happy news to ourselves for as long as we could. But it had been the producers’ idea to reveal it with the movie. So here I stood in a stunning gown waiting for Tom to finally emerge.  
“Thomas!”  
“I’m coming darling! I’m sorry I…. Whoa!” Tom froze in the hallway. “You look absolutely stunning my love!”  
I blushed furiously as Tom approached. The dress I had chosen was light and flowed lightly over my body, more specifically over my tummy. The crystals on the bodice drew the attention up past my slightly protruding belly. I hoped that if I stood right the pale blue color and chiffon material would keep our secret just a little bit longer.  
Tom tucked a stray strand of hair behind my ear as he wrapped me in a warm embrace. He nuzzled my ear, his warm breath sending shivers through my body and taking my breath away.  
“Tom, we need to get going.” Not that I really wanted to, I was more than happy to stay home wrapped in those wonderful arms of his.  
“We will soon. I promise.” Then he dropped to his knees before me and he splayed his gorgeous hands across my stomach. He placed a kiss on my protruding belly between his hands but didn’t pull away. Instead he spoke to our baby.  
“Hello little one. You’re going to your first big event tonight. You should see your mummy. She looks like a fairy princess. Mummy and daddy can’t wait to meet you.” Tom placed another sweet kiss on my belly and got back to his feet. With tears brimming in my eyes, I wrapped my arms around him, hugging him tight.  
“You, sir, are too sweet and perfect to be considered human.”  
“I know. It’s what I get for being an adorable, fluffy Labrador.” We both laughed, although I was closer to a guffaw than a ladylike laugh.  
“Come on darling. Let’s not keep the fans waiting.” Tom offered me his arm to walk to the limo. As we headed towards the theater I couldn’t help but stare at Tom.  
“Alright, I can’t take it anymore. Is there something on my face?” Tom asked, shifting to look right at me. I reached my hand up to caress his cheek.  
“There’s nothing wrong. I was just thinking how lucky I am to have you. I don’t think I would have made it the last almost 6 years without you. And I can’t imagine my life without you in it.”  
“You may not have to.” Tom dug in his pocket and pulled out a box. “Look, I know you can’t wear it tonight but I simply can not wait any longer. Marry me darling and make me the happiest man on earth?” I leapt into his arms and kissed him passionately.  
“Yes! A thousand times yes!”


End file.
